Regret And Pain
by Anguish of My Love
Summary: But she's gone. She isn't coming back. Wasn't ever going to.' Misty's dead. Ash wasn't ever the same gullible, giddy kid he was before. Pokeshipping


Disclaimer: I never owned Pokémon, gets?

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He wasn't sure if it was all a dream. He wished it was, it should be. She didn't deserve it. She was too great to deserve it. Too kind, too perfect. Why would something like that happen to her? It wasn't fair, or right.

But who was he kidding? Life was unfair. It didn't care if you'd break down and cry. You can't and won't get everything you want. And _it_ happened. It was obviously not a dream. Nightmare, rather. It didn't matter that she wasn't supposed to end this way. It still took place. She's still...

"No!!" he bit that thought back. "She's not! She's here! I know she is."

He clutched his head. Muttering to himself, he didn't notice the tears reappearing in his eyes. He didn't notice them fall down the cold ground. All he was aware of was the ache in his heart. The desperation that clouded his mind. He needed the reassurance. All he saw was his imagination. That it wasn't true. Even if it was a lie, even if it was obviously false. That was all he wanted to hear. No more of the truth. It hurt too much.

Why did it even happen? It was a mistake. She wasn't supposed to be the one. She protected him.

_"You really think you'll win?" He shouted mockingly._

_There he was, like every time. He was infront of Team Rocket. They once again, at a failed attempt, tried to catch his pikachu and all the rest pokémon. It was an easy win, as usual, and Pikachu was bouncing back to his owner, with everyone behind it. And, like the routine, he was ready to command Pikachu to throw a thunderbolt at the enemies._

_He didn't notice the smirk that developed on Jessie's face._

_"According to plan." he barely heard the redhead whisper._

_"Huh?" he asked confused._

_"Seviper, now!!"_

_"What?" Ash hardly had time to move before he was pushed towards the ground._

_"AAAAHHH!!" The sound was deafening to him. Yet it was like he couldn't hear it at all._

_And he lied there. He saw everything. Bullets of poison went through her. Holes appeared through her golden shirt. Blood spilled down the floor. And, as if it was all a slow movie, she fell. Every heartbeat for every second she came closer to the ground. And he saw her hit it. Her head twisted towards him. His auburn eyes met lifeless ones. They were wide and dead._

_Dead. There she was. Pale. Numb. Gone._

_Her body was limp. Her lively face was now replaced by one that held no emotion. No soul. Crimson spread through her wreaked clothes and body. Her hair laid disheveled beneath her, lost was the things that bind it together. Blood leaked from her mouth, leaving a trail on her white skin._

That was the last he remembered. When his senses came to, he was already in the room he was staying in. He couldn't recall anything else. He didn't recall the way he ran towards her and clutched her with all life he had. Nor when the Team Rocket stood shocked with despair, how they told him just how much they wished they could turn back time and stop it all from happening. Not how hard his companions tried to pull him off from her, no matter how much they didn't want to. Not even when he struggled so much to go back to her and hold her forever.

The only thing he remembered was the sadness. The utter depression that clouded him. He remembered how much his heart and soul shattered over and over again. He remembered how his whole world seemed to break. He remembered the endless tears he shed. He remembered the desperation he felt when he saw her lie there. Motionless.

But most of all, he remembered the last sentence she said. The last thing she uttered before falling.

_"I love you."_

She said the three words he longed to hear. The one thing he would exchange his trophies for. The only sentence he wished he had said.

But what he didn't wish was to only hear them when she was truly leaving. Those sweet words that would've normally made him shout with joy made him feel lost. Made him feel all the regret. Regret for everything he never did to her. For everything he hadn't said. Everything he should've showed her. Everything he felt for her he never expressed. Love. Care. Compassion. Devotion. So much he needed to tell her. So much that was left unsaid.

So this was last of him. Disheartened and detached. This had been him ever since that time. He still tried to tell himself there never was that time. But it was no use. He knew she was gone and everytime he denied the fact, it just became even more real. The event had just flashed infront of him and it had all too clear to be just a dream.

Sometimes, when he managed to calm himself for even a brief moment, he would wonder how long it had been after it. He couldn't say for sure. Seconds felt like days. Minutes felt like years. Days felt like centuries. But even so, it was like time had stopped altogether. The world halted to infinite pause.

But then again, it didn't really matter. In fact, nothing really did. Why would they? They couldn't bring her back and that was all he really needed. Her bright smile, the fire in her eyes, her bubbly nature. He just wanted her, nothing else. But his only wish was impossible to grant. You can never bring the dead back. No matter how much you needed to. And how much he did.

So he just sat there. Staring off into space. Crying. He hardly moved. Hardly even breathed properly. Usually, it came out gruff and heavy. Mostly, he was in a daze. He almost looked peaceful enough if it wasn't for the pain reflected in his eyes, or for the continuous tears. It was scarce for him to even respond a grunt when his friends would try to make him come out. He was separated from the world he was in, he was in another. One wherein only he and she existed.

But it wasn't heaven even with her in it. It wasn't the her he wished for. It was the bloodied, limp girl he wished never happened. It was the one that haunted him, continuously tortured him. It was the one thing that completely made him change into a terribly miserable person. He suffered because of this one image he always saw.

And somehow, it almost mocked him. It was his fault. If he hadn't been caught up with the fact that he won another fight, then maybe, just maybe, she would still be beside him. She would still surround him with comfortable warmth. He might've been able to dodge the attack with no problem. Then she wouldn't have gone taking her life away. He could've made one of his pokémon block it. He may have done anything. Anything would've been enough to stop all of this from happening.

He had wished nothing more but that. He longed for it more than anything else. All the other desires he's had seemed to lose its importance. All the hopes, the aspirations, the goals. They weren't significant anymore. They aren't even wishes anymore. They won't bring him the happiness he needs. Only one thing could.

_She_ was his happiness. She filled his life with her eternal glow. Her smiles were enough to raise him up. She was what he really needed.

But she wasn't coming back. All because of him. All because he had been so arrogant.

He really was the same foolish kid he was before. He was still the immature boy who needed to grow up. He remained to be the little child who needed someone to support him and bring him down to earth. He was still the same person who needed another to look out for him. Someone who would always be with him.

He'd found that someone. Her. She gave him encouragement. She protected him, stood by him. She made sure he had his feet on the ground. She was the friend he would always lean on. She was everything he needed. She always was. And always will.

But she was gone. She wasn't coming back. Wasn't ever going to. She slipped through his fingertips, dissolving into nothing.

But she's still here.

She's as alive as anything else in him. He still sees her, hears her. She's everywhere. And it seems she won't be leaving anytime soon. She would continue haunting him.

There were alot of times he wished he could just forget, that he wouldn't recall anything. He was supposed to be the strong one. Someone who wouldn't whimper over something for days. But that was what he was doing. He was crying, it hadn't occurred to him for how long, but he hadn't stopped. Trickles of water still run down his face. He felt nothing more but pain. Infinite pain. He shouldn't be like this.

But without her... he's lost. Without her glow, he's not any better than a dead person. Without her love, he feels so much more alone. He wants her smile. Her bright face. Her outgoing personality. Her touch. Her tender eyes. He wants her back so, so much.

_"Wishes... never come true."_

He knew that. Dreams, wishes, they rarely actually become reality. Little ones do. But not something like this. Nothing this big.

There was another wish, too. It was, if even just a little, more possible. It was, in a way, attainable. But it was just a little late. Maybe if he had the courage, it would've happened. Maybe if he was even a little bit more brave, his wish would've been granted.

He wanted to be able to tell her how much he loved her before she died.

It was that simple. It had been easy to do. If only he wasn't so afraid of rejection. He could've spent weeks, or months, just being with her. He could've gone through life with one less thing to regret. He couldn't understand why he kept it all inside. There were so much feelings he felt. They were so strong he was afraid he would explode. Why hadn't he expressed it? If he felt so much, why didn't he do anything?

All he did was to lock it inside of him. He didn't try to give hint. He made no move to show how much he cared. How much he truly loved. He did absolutely nothing. He thought it was better that way. He was so certain she doesn't and can't feel the same way. He had been so sure he was nothing more than a friend. He assumed he had no chance.

If only he hadn't been so contented with just plain theory. He'd never just go with guessing before. Even if he'd be so sure. He was never satisfied with it. So why was now any different? Why couldn't he atleast have tried to find any sign that it was otherwise?

But then again, regret doesn't really get anywhere.

She won't ever know. He could repeat it a hundred times to her now _dead_ body, but she won't ever find out. He had been too late and it won't ever change.

So this is the last of him. The thing that was left after that event.

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Another fanfic!! This... didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to be. So criticize as much as you want. Just hoped you enjoyed.


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